Healthy Rhythms in Marriage

Anyone who has been married for a while knows that a godly marriage takes work. The Scriptures set the bar for marriage pretty high and point to it as a picture of Christ and the church (Eph. 5:21-33). A beautiful example of love and respect is laid out in that passage. But that picture over time in our marriages can get deeply distorted by neglect and even torn up by selfishness if we are not careful. All we have to do is lack intentionality or let work, parenting, selfish pursuits, or the stress of life threaten the health of our marriage.

We often hear about trying to maintain a balance between home and work or leisure and family. That balance is usually measured by time invested. We are always in a pendulum swing. We feel we aren’t giving enough time in one place or another. This is especially true in ministry. And because it is ministry, our spouse might not call us on it, or we may feel justified leaving our leftovers for home. I have come to believe that trying to maintain a balance between home and ministry in this way is actually counterproductive. You really can’t compensate by making up time for relational neglect or a lack of priorities. A friend and I were talking about challenges of balance recently, and he said if you put your head in the oven and your feet in the freezer, your average temperature might be okay, but the damage at the extremes will be substantial. Running hot and cold in a marriage is not healthy or sustainable. So, what should replace this balancing act? I would like to suggest we give up balance and go for healthy rhythms.

The Power of Rhythms

A rhythm, for our purposes, is defined as a particular pattern, discipline, or habit repeated over time. But like rhythms in music, the ebb and flow might change depending on the season we are in. For our marriages to be God-honoring and healthy, I would suggest assessing our season and creating appropriate rhythms. Whether it is a rhythm of praying together, times of rest and reflection, increased communication as a couple, setting a date night to look forward to, or simply saying I love you more often, we must establish sustainable ways to stay healthy in our marriages. The power of rhythms is that we aren’t compensating from a place of neglect; instead, we are building long-term habits of health. Applied to our marriage, they can impact our daily living as a couple and increase our marital satisfaction.

Establishing Healthy Marriage Rhythms

Consider your existing healthy habits. Perhaps you exercise three days a week or spend time in God’s Word every day. Now, think about your marriage. What do you do daily, weekly, or monthly to keep your marriage healthy? In most cases, this seems hard to quantify because we have unspoken rituals or don’t put that much thought into it. The first step to building healthy habits is to set aside more time together. Then, we set some goals based on how much time we have and what needs attention. For rhythms to be established, let me share two helpful concepts: margin and minimums. Margin is discretionary time you set aside from the demands of work and the stresses of life. Minimums are initial goals you set for disciplines that are reasonable and attainable to start with.

A few years ago, I sat down with my wife, and we decided we were a bit child-centered in our marriage. Things like taking the kids to Starbucks or one of their sporting events did not qualify as a date and were not particularly life-giving to our marriage. We needed more margin to go on dates as a couple, which was no longer a regular rhythm after we had three kids! The next step was to say how often we would commit to going out together without the kids. We decided a minimum frequency was every other week. We knew we had to pick a consistent night and put it on the calendar. To be candid, this has been hard to achieve, and we eventually adjusted our date night minimum to once a month.

Next, we decided prayer at dinner or only in a time of desperation was not growing our spiritual intimacy. We needed margin to pray together as well. This time, we decided a minimum frequency was three times each week. We have done pretty well at that, so we have kept that minimum. Both rhythms took planning, and for a while, dates meant childcare, thinking of things we both liked to do, picking the best time to go, etc. When making your goals, focus on the season of life you are in, what’s realistic to start, and what is important to cultivate a healthy marriage (revisit dreams, values, convictions). It may be that you simply start tonight by putting the kids to bed, making a late-night snack, and asking each other how you are really doing. No phone, no TV in the background. Just talking for 30 minutes or more. Praying together may mean getting up earlier to grab a coffee and going to a quiet place in the house before the rest of your world wakes up. Don’t overcomplicate it, and make it repeatable on a regular basis. If you have never done it, then start once a week!

Five Rhythms That Will Bless a Marriage

I want to suggest five daily, weekly, and monthly rhythms that can absolutely bless your marriage intimacy. I encourage you to pick a few and start right away.

Daily Rhythms:

1. Say I love you and kiss your spouse goodbye/goodnight
2. Say thank you and show appreciation for small things
3. Listen deeply to understand (15 minutes of uninterrupted time)
4. Own your mistakes and ask for forgiveness
5. Compliment/encourage each other in a meaningful way

Weekly Rhythms:

1. Go for prayer walks (grow it to a minimum of 3 times/20 minutes)
2. Go on dates, ideally weekly (2 hours with meaningful communication)
3. Schedule time of physical intimacy (discuss best times and frequency)
4. Take a Sabbath together (a day like no other weekly)
5. Sit down to dinner together (minimum 5 days a week)

Monthly Rhythms:

1. Find a life-giving couple to spend time with (double date or connect on Zoom)
2. Fast and pray for one mealtime together (have a list and include worship)
3. Check in to adjust to anticipated seasonal challenges (big rocks first!)
4. Family meeting to clear the air, plan, and pray (plan and lead it together)
5. Go over budget and adjust accordingly (get counsel as needed)

Making Your Plan

Adjust these as needed, but spend some time planning this together. As you plan out your personalized marriage rhythms together, consider the questions below.

Questions for Reflection

1. What rhythms need to be added or adjusted (daily, weekly, monthly)?
2. What’s one immediate step to improve our communication and connection?
3. What work or personal habits need to change to accomplish this?